Dear diary
by the next rachel berry
Summary: Rachel has so many things that she needs to express and sometimes music can't do it all. She creates a diary to explain her problems. Good story terrible summery. Set in UK timeline.
1. Chapter 1

_**AN: Ok, so this came over me, tell me what you think.**_

_**This is going to be the first of a couple of chapters I think, they won't all be diary entry's it will be all different. The idea's a little weird, but just stick with it =)**_

_**It's set in the UK time line, basically any time after 'grilled cheezus'.**_

_**DISCLAMER: I don't own Glee and I never will. There for it is stupid for me to have to say that every chapter. I'm so glad you agree**_

Dear diary,

Things are hard, in life, every day. I get that it's not only me. But I need to be honest, it's pretty bad. I love Finn and I love my dads but all of its getting too much, you know what I mean.

I started you when I was 11; I was embarrassed all the time. I had no friends and after stating my period and only having dads I needed to talk to someone. Or something. My dads were really nice, really helpful to a certain existent but they couldn't really relate to what I was going through – for obvious reasons.

I thought that when I got to high school things would be better, easier. There would be a guidance councillor. But when I got to talking to Mrs. Pilsberry about my period she just started putting hand sanitizer on. Not the best thing ever.

Now I have Finn, he is an amazing guy; he talks to me about everything. He doesn't lie to me; he just talks to me all the time about all the good things that happen. He holds me in his arms. He will kiss me for hours and when he tries to get a bit further and I stop him he doesn't shout at all.

But I feel like a really bad person. I lied to him about something that people should not lie about. I slid into a conversation that I didn't want to have sex until I was 25. It's true, I don't but not because of my religion. I had so many lies ready for why and that seemed the most believable. I can't tell him the real one, it's just embarrassing.

I need to tell you diary, my only friend is Finn and he is the one I want to keep this from. The fear of people reading this is very high for me but I'm sure that all the people that I let into my bedroom respect me enough not to go through my personal belonging. Or is my assumption naive?

I have a fear of intimacy. Getting close to people in that way. It started when I was younger. I'm close to my dad and I love them very much but like before, my dads aren't the best people to talk to about those kinds of things. At the age of 11, I wanted to know what was going on with me so I went to the internet to see what I could fine on the subject. I got obsessed, they mentioned the word and I would such it – it hurt me, change the way I thought. I was scared. For most kids who do this start touching themselves, but that was below me. Of cores.

But what can I do?

I'm lost diary.

I need to go to bed now, sleep is very important for my voice as you very well should know.

Rachel B Berry.

XXX

_**Ok what do you think? It will go up to whatever rating you want it to be, I'll be honest – I do know what I want to happen but you can easily change my mind. **_

_**I will update after... 3 reviews minimum...**_

_**Danker!**_

_**Diana!**_


	2. Chapter 2

_**AN: ok so, I am disappointed but let's be honest not surprised that nobody reviewed... Please tell me what you think but clicking that button. It's not hard honestly I will be happy with a smiley face... I'd like to know your reading =D**_

_**Disclaimer: I don't own glee, I won't in the next chapter or the next, let me be honest I never will. So really guys, if I forget to do that at the beginning of a story – please don't file a law suit, I'm just a small town girl, living in a lonely world. I took the midnight train going anywhere...**_

Dear diary,

I love glee – who wouldn't but I'm bored, I mean I'm the nest singer in there god I'm better that allot of famous celebrities and I don't get the solos? It's inhuman! Sorry I rant allot.

Finn came over today, we sat on the bed and you guessed it – made out, like allot. I just got nervous and stopped; I mean it felt good and all. He made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside but I just kept on wondering what would happen if I were not to stop him, if one thing led to another and my top came off and... Well I honestly try not to think. He is hot and fit and sexy, all those things but the thought of his hands on my body when there isn't something protecting me from all the diseases I could get. I can't think about it without wanting to be sick. Well if I'm honest the thought of any hands on my body except from my own scares me a little. Is that weird diary or is that just me?

I don't know what to do any more; I'm going to go talk to Mrs. Pilsberry tomorrow about it – that should help. Tina says that mike said that she had never slept with any one and now that she is with Karl she has and is less OCD. It's worth a try.

I'm going to go now diary.

Xx

Rachel. B. Berry.

_**AN: ok so the next chapter is not going to be a diary entry I don't think, it will probably be Rachel going to Mrs. Pilsberry to talk to her about her 'condition' **_

_**Please Please please please please please Please Please please please please please Please Please please please please please Please Please please please please please please Please please please please please Please Please please please please please REVIEW!**_

_**Xx Diana.**_


	3. Chapter 3

_**AN: **__**yayzies – you reviewed!**_

_**Well to my three amazing reviewers, I love you! And to everyone else who bothered to read, I love you also!**_

_**This is going not to be a dairy entry – it's going to be set in the moment. As you have probably guessed in the last chapter my grammar is PATHETIC! And would you believe it to be possible my grammar is worse when I'm using speech. Please, Please, PLEASE look past it to the story beneath! **_

_**Tell me which you like more – the diary or the plot! Also tell me a rating that you want me to go to in a review.**_

_**Thanks lodes all of you and remember. Reviews = happy Diana Happy Diana = felling like I should give back Felling I should give back = More stories.**_

I sit outside Mrs. Pillsbury's office in complete silence, playing with the ends of my hair and skirt. I made an appointment, it's in class time – I'm supposed to be in history. I told Finn and he seemed annoyed more than anything, I always help him. He holds my hand all through the lesson. He asked me why and I told him it was a girl reason, he didn't ask much more after that only that I he wanted me to be as quick as possible. I am in my daze when a tall boy, around the age of 16, walks out. She is always fully booked of people trying to get out of lessons – what better way? "Rachel," she smiles at me "do you want to come in?"

I walk into her tidy office and sit down on the chair at the opposite side of the desk. "Now Rachel, You booked a rather long slot and you're not the kind of girl to try to get out of class – that why I didn't cancel it."

"Yeah," I say. I feel so un comfortable in here, she hasn't started asking questions and I'm already on the verge of tears. I normally try to fill up the sciences with words but I feel too worried to say anything.

"Well Rachel, it's not like you to be so quiet. What's wrong?" she asks. I turn to face her more; she is smiling kindly at me.

"Umm." I choke.

"Rachel, sweetie please tell me what's wrong. I'm here to help." She insures and I look at her.

"Umm. I... I'm dating Finn." I say.

"I know, you spend all your time in school with each outer. It's cute to watch Rachel. Is it Finn? Is he pressuring you in to sex?" she asks.

"No, it's just..."

I told her everything. My eyes filled with tears talking about my child hood about all the scaring photo's that I saw on line, all the things I read.

"Rachel, Finn is a nice person. You love him and he loves you. How has he been acting when you stop him?" she asks.

"He... He has been amazing." I smile.

"Mmm. Good. And have you told him why you don't want to go any thither?" she asks.

"I made some stuff up." I trail off.

"Ok, well what I think is that you just need to be honest with him. He has a right to know and Rachel it seems to me that Finn is not pressuring you too much anyway so what is the reason for you to be worrying. Men aren't all the same – no matter what you think." She winks.

We talk for the rest of the hour, her giving me leaflets and smiling allot. When I leave her room after making an appointment for next week. I see Finn standing there smiling "Hey Rach!" he beams "I thought that I should wait for you seeing as we couldn't spend history together."

"Oh!" I say trying as hard as I could to hide the leaflet that had just been handed to me. Hide it in the pile of books I have for my later lessons. "Do you want to go to lunch?"

"Yeah," he smiles taking hold of my hand that was not occupied holding books "at the moment I'm feeling really good about us, d'you feel it too Rach?"

"Um..." I panic. No, it's not the time to tell him my problems "Yes, I do think that are relationship is going as planed at the moment."

"I love it when you do that." He smiles walking me into the canteen.

_**AN: ok, I understand it was kinda BAD but I did write most of this at like 1 in the morning. FREAKING HAMSTER!**_

_**Please review!**_

_**Xx Diana**_


	4. Chapter 4

_**A.N: OK, so I am writing this while my sister MAKES me watch Doctor who so if I like right a word wrong or twice you can blame this third world crap distracting me from writing...**_

_**Not that there's anything wrong with that...**_

_**Hi Martha...**_

_**I watched special education and I'm still getting over the shock of it all – did anyone else cry? I'm writing this as if they are still together, kind of missing out special education...**_

_**Maybe it's because I'm still healing.**_

Dear diary,

Ok, so I don't know when to tell Finn. After talking to Mrs. Pilsberry today I and Finn went to lunch. We sat and talked about Glee and what I missed in history but I didn't mention anything about me and Mrs. Pilsberry, I expect after I said that it was a girl thing he got worried that I would talk to him about my period or something. He gets nervous about those things I guess...

Mrs. Pilsberry said that I need to tell him, but it worries me – he might dump me and _I_ really _need _him. With all my heart I need him. I think I will tell him tomorrow, my dads are both going to be at work and then are going out for dinner, they invited me to come but it's there day – not mine. I think that it is sweet for them to be together on their own some time and also it seems like a good time for me to tell Finn.

I have planed what I am going to say, how I am going to say it and what I will be warring at the time. We will be sitting on my bed and that is when I will tell him... everything...

Today when Finn told me that 'he felt really good about us' I got worried. I know I sound stereo typical but I swear that that is what dudes say when they really mean 'I feel like we are close enough now that it's not UN reasonable for me to try to get sex out of you'. I understand that this sounds weird, but like I said a couple of days ago diary- an 11 years old and a whole internet of inappropriate things. Well on those sites there are people and that's what they said.

It like 12:00 whilst I write this, it's in the dark of my bedroom, I know, I need to sleep but how can I when I know tomorrow I might lose the one thing that is worth wakening up for. Finn.

I think I'm gunna go now. It is important that when the _truth _comes out, I am fully awake – but how is that going to happen, I normally go to sleep around 9:00 so that I am as bright as I normally am.

XX Rachel

_**A.N: ok so what I think I'm going to do is that one entry will be story and one will be diary. This took me like 3 hours of Doctor who to right because it so distracting... the angels have the phone box!**_

_**Sorry that's a really obscure reference you probably have no idea what I'm talking about. I'm watching the episode blink... No fans... wow... It's not big in America though. Ok, I'm seriously going on aren't I...? **_

_**I love you all!**_

_**Review please, you guys are amazing for reading but if you review then you are like almost as cool as Santana. Not Rachel though she is cooler that like... Jesus (other religious leaders are available)**_

_**Xx Diana.**_


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